failed

As lame as this may sound I think I've been left tramatized from our birth experience. Not that I hated it or anything just more not what I had planned for. Yes, everyone told me that things don't always go as planned but I can't help but feel like I failed somehow...

I only had three goals, well four during this pregnancy.
1. Keep babies for at least 36 weeks - failed
2. Deliver naturally - failed
3. Maintaing control of weight - accomplished
4. Breastfeed for one year - in process

I managed to get a 50/50 yet I feel like I did something wrong. Why? Doctors have told me that early deliveries like mine aren't rare for multiples. There wasn't anything I did or anthing I could have done to have prevented it. Fortunetly the babies were perfect other than needing 10 days in the NICU for some additional baking time. So why? Why do I still tear up whenever I think of October 22nd... or get a huge lump in my throat whenever I'm on the L&D floor at the hospital... or why I still can't bring myself to watch "The Business of Being Born."

I have two beautiful healthy babies that I can't even begin to explain how much I love. This I am most grateful for. Day by day a little bit of the guilt falls away. Not sure if it will all ever go away though...