Monday, February 8, 2010

failed

As lame as this may sound I think I've been left tramatized from our birth experience. Not that I hated it or anything just more not what I had planned for. Yes, everyone told me that things don't always go as planned but I can't help but feel like I failed somehow...

I only had three goals, well four during this pregnancy.
1. Keep babies for at least 36 weeks - failed
2. Deliver naturally - failed
3. Maintaing control of weight - accomplished
4. Breastfeed for one year - in process

I managed to get a 50/50 yet I feel like I did something wrong. Why? Doctors have told me that early deliveries like mine aren't rare for multiples. There wasn't anything I did or anthing I could have done to have prevented it. Fortunetly the babies were perfect other than needing 10 days in the NICU for some additional baking time. So why? Why do I still tear up whenever I think of October 22nd... or get a huge lump in my throat whenever I'm on the L&D floor at the hospital... or why I still can't bring myself to watch "The Business of Being Born."

I have two beautiful healthy babies that I can't even begin to explain how much I love. This I am most grateful for. Day by day a little bit of the guilt falls away. Not sure if it will all ever go away though...

2 comments:

  1. Stupid google erased my 1st reply.

    Don't be upset! It is not a failure! Those babies are beyond healthy, showing no signs of being preemies. They were ready to come out! I wanted to have a natural birth too, but my ridiculously narrow pelvis that won't open will not ever allow me to experience that. I'm getting over.

    PS
    Next time we go into labor we can go in looking great and come out looking great! None of those sweaty pushing pictures. *high-five*

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  2. I felt like you when E was born at 32 wks. I went through so many emotions. Sometimes I still wonder what if I had paid attention to my early sign of preeclampsia, she probably could of stayed in a bit longer.

    Don't be hard on yourself. You did a great job!! You have 2 beautiful bambini that are absolutely healthy and perfect.

    P.S. glad to hear that BFing is going well. :) My goal is also 1 year.

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