Reflections

Haven’t been as diligent with blogging about this pregnancy as I was with the twins. This in no way reflects my feelings it’s just that having too little ones to enjoy while working full time and managing to keep a home in order while feeding ourselves the best we can leaves little time for anything else. I do always think about how wonderful it is to be pregnant again and how it truly is a blessing. My body is making something so incredibly amazing that it’s hard for me to even describe how I feel about it. Every change is noticed and appreciated.

With all of that said I’ve also been down on myself for not being as active as I was with the twins. I would love to run and lift weights but that’s not always possible. I try and take walks with the babies as much as possible but it really turns out to only happen on the weekends. Then there’s the weight. One of the midwives I saw the other day told me to watch my weight and to cut back on my carb consumption. I know that I can make better choices and I do when I can but at times nothing appeals other than bread. I also know that she’s basing my weight gain on my pre pregnancy weight. I was 10 pounds lower than I was pre pregnancy with the twins. I know that those 10 lbs would come on automatically once I weaned the twins, which I did about 2-3 months into this pregnancy. So, given that I’m still not at the weight I was at this point with the twins. Anyway, weight is obviously something I think about constantly.

As for the exercising. I received an invitation to go for a night run of our local mountains this upcoming Friday. Two years ago I would have been all over that. It made me a little sad not that I couldn’t go but that I know I couldn’t physically do it and not because of the pregnancy but because I’m not in the physical shape I was two years ago. I miss running. I miss being in great physical shape. However, I LOVE being the best mom to my babies and enjoying every single minute possible with them. They are only this age once and never again. I’ve been blessed with pregnancy again and it may be the last. I’m enjoying the loves of my life and that’s all that matters to me. I LOVE being a mom.

14 weeks, take 2

Wow baby this time sure has flown by. So far so good and I've only had actual morning sickness once! I was feeling nausous for some time but I think it's subsiding. I've felt you move little one! I couldn't believe it but then I felt you again! You're quite active as seen on the ultrasounds. Looks like you Lizzy and Steven made a nice ample space for you to grow in. We've been doing our best to keep you active and your sister and brother and I go for walks whenever we can. We all love you very much little baby.

10 months

The days have been moving too fast. Here we are just two months shy of the twins’ first birthday… So many changes to our lives have occurred.

No one really prepares you for the whirlwind of events that take place while raising babies. I know we’ve all heard the “enjoy it because it goes fast” but really, it’s too fast. We’ve been cautious of enjoying and taking in every single day with the babies, everyday.

Seeing babies grow and change is amazing. Everything else is secondary. Some things that may have seemed important pre-babies are so insignificant it’s comical. Views on life, on people, on oneself, change. Life is centered on these little beings you’ve created.

I know that I have changed. All of my relationships have changed. Some have gotten stronger while others have dissipated. My own actions, or lack thereof, have made me someone you may love, like or altogether wish to remove from your own life. I accept that.

Nonetheless, I am emerging, once again. We finally feel like we know what we’re doing, although I’ve always felt that way. Everything with the babies is instinctual; I just know what to do. The babies have been great teachers to us. The babies have completed us.

Stats

Baby A - Girl
Born on 10/22/09 at 6:12PM
4 weeks - 5 lbs 11 oz, 19"
2 months - 9 lbs, 21"
4 months - 13 lbs 6.6 oz, 25"
6 months - 16 lbs 14 oz, 26 3/4"

Baby B - Boy
Born on 10/22/09 at 6:13PM
4 weeks - 5 lbs 14 oz, 19 1/4"
2 months - 9 lbs 8.8 oz, 22 1/5"
4 months - 14 lbs 6 oz, 26 1/2"
6 months - 18 lbs 6.6 oz, 27 3/4"

7 months

of pure joy!

- Babies are large and in charge of the household. In a good way of course.

- We're still nursing and just started solids. Yeah, we delayed a bit.

- Baby Girl has her daddy, and me, wrapped around her little finger.

- Baby Boy is such a cool little character and so so SO calm and collected.

- They love going for rides in their stroller and we love taking them.

I find that it's very hard for me to leave them on the weekends. Every moment is so precious with them that I don't care to do anything that doesn't include them. Pre-babies I thought for sure I'd never be a mother that couldn't leave her children but alas I am one of said moms. Working fulltime guilt I think. N and I, N mostly, have started to make an effort to go out alone. It is very nice to get that time alone, without the babies. It's just hard at first, lot's of adjustments.

failed

As lame as this may sound I think I've been left tramatized from our birth experience. Not that I hated it or anything just more not what I had planned for. Yes, everyone told me that things don't always go as planned but I can't help but feel like I failed somehow...

I only had three goals, well four during this pregnancy.
1. Keep babies for at least 36 weeks - failed
2. Deliver naturally - failed
3. Maintaing control of weight - accomplished
4. Breastfeed for one year - in process

I managed to get a 50/50 yet I feel like I did something wrong. Why? Doctors have told me that early deliveries like mine aren't rare for multiples. There wasn't anything I did or anthing I could have done to have prevented it. Fortunetly the babies were perfect other than needing 10 days in the NICU for some additional baking time. So why? Why do I still tear up whenever I think of October 22nd... or get a huge lump in my throat whenever I'm on the L&D floor at the hospital... or why I still can't bring myself to watch "The Business of Being Born."

I have two beautiful healthy babies that I can't even begin to explain how much I love. This I am most grateful for. Day by day a little bit of the guilt falls away. Not sure if it will all ever go away though...

October 19-21

So here I was, alone in a birthing room with a scary IV drip, monitors hooked up all on me and time... I wanted, no needed answers about what was going on, what caused this, what's next and what are our options.

The head of the NICU came to see me and explained what would happen to the babies if they were delivered within the next week. Expected NICU time would be necessary, however, he felt that their weights were pretty good and therefore wasn't concerned. Plus with the steroid shots he said their lungs would be fine too. There's more details he went into but the gist was that the babies would not come home with us. This terrified me.

I got visits from the people I love the most and love me: N (of course!), mom, dad, A and Rocky. These people were so vital in keeping me sane. Each one of them constantly made sure I was taken care of and would bring me treats. Also, geefunk kept me company all the time. It was great to be in constant contact with her. She helped me get through some of the most difficult times.

After day two (Oct. 21) we were moved to another room, extended care. It was a waiting game at this point and all meds were removed. Was allowed to shower and go to the restroom on my own. This alone made me feel good and relieved. I had high hopes that I'd be able to carry the twins for at least another week...