failed

As lame as this may sound I think I've been left tramatized from our birth experience. Not that I hated it or anything just more not what I had planned for. Yes, everyone told me that things don't always go as planned but I can't help but feel like I failed somehow...

I only had three goals, well four during this pregnancy.
1. Keep babies for at least 36 weeks - failed
2. Deliver naturally - failed
3. Maintaing control of weight - accomplished
4. Breastfeed for one year - in process

I managed to get a 50/50 yet I feel like I did something wrong. Why? Doctors have told me that early deliveries like mine aren't rare for multiples. There wasn't anything I did or anthing I could have done to have prevented it. Fortunetly the babies were perfect other than needing 10 days in the NICU for some additional baking time. So why? Why do I still tear up whenever I think of October 22nd... or get a huge lump in my throat whenever I'm on the L&D floor at the hospital... or why I still can't bring myself to watch "The Business of Being Born."

I have two beautiful healthy babies that I can't even begin to explain how much I love. This I am most grateful for. Day by day a little bit of the guilt falls away. Not sure if it will all ever go away though...

October 19-21

So here I was, alone in a birthing room with a scary IV drip, monitors hooked up all on me and time... I wanted, no needed answers about what was going on, what caused this, what's next and what are our options.

The head of the NICU came to see me and explained what would happen to the babies if they were delivered within the next week. Expected NICU time would be necessary, however, he felt that their weights were pretty good and therefore wasn't concerned. Plus with the steroid shots he said their lungs would be fine too. There's more details he went into but the gist was that the babies would not come home with us. This terrified me.

I got visits from the people I love the most and love me: N (of course!), mom, dad, A and Rocky. These people were so vital in keeping me sane. Each one of them constantly made sure I was taken care of and would bring me treats. Also, geefunk kept me company all the time. It was great to be in constant contact with her. She helped me get through some of the most difficult times.

After day two (Oct. 21) we were moved to another room, extended care. It was a waiting game at this point and all meds were removed. Was allowed to shower and go to the restroom on my own. This alone made me feel good and relieved. I had high hopes that I'd be able to carry the twins for at least another week...

It begins...

Monday, 1:45am I woke up to pee and thought boy I must be hot since I felt wet all over. Turns out not all over only bottom. Proceeded to the restroom where I did my business but when I stood up I continued to leak. Um this is not right. Then the vomiting began... Yeah, I knew instantly this was a sign of labor.

I got ready as quiet as possible and woke up N just before I left to let him know I was headed to L&D and not to worry. He needed to be at work in 3 hours and I honestly thought nothing serious of the situation...

Once I arrived at L&D they placed me in a birthing room and hooked me up to monitors and such. Was looked at by Dr. N and she confirmed it was amniotic fluid and quickly did an ultrasound. Both babies were showing no signs of distress, only little black spots in their space that represented lack of fluid.

The nurse gave me a shot of steroids for the babies' lungs in case I delivered later that day. They told me there would be a second round 24 hours later and I asked if I should come in the same time... the nurse practically had a seizure she was laughing so hard. She said that's it I'm here till I deliver those babies...

Babies are here!

I'll post official later, no time now.

We're all doing great. Babies need a few weeks in the NICU but they're doing awesome already!

Baby A Girl - 3 lbs 14.5 oz and 17 inches
Baby B Boy - 4 lbs 11 oz and 17 inches